Assertiveness - It's Your Right!
Congratulations! You’ve reached the age of xxxxxx. Chances are, you wouldn’t be reading this if you hadn’t been assertive at some stage in your life. You once knew instinctively how to be assertive. How did you get fed as a baby? By asserting yourself vocally (loudly!). How did you try to get what you want when you were a toddler? At about two years old you probably started having tantrums when you did not get what you thought you had a right to. If you were lucky, you had an adult in your life who guided you by telling you that was not the way to behave, that if you asked „nicely”, you would get what you want, that you have to share, to compromise. However, our „teachers” in life do not always do us favours and we may have learnt that we do not have any rights, that we should not articulate our needs or opinions and that others are more important than we are. We became passive. Or we may have learnt that the only way we can get what we want is by being aggressive (bullying).
Assertiveness is being able to say how we feel, what we want, what we will or won’t do without feeling guilty or harming anyone else. Being able to rank our needs, emotions, opinions as equal to those of others. We do not bully or manipulate our way into getting what we want. We have the confidence to clearly state „our case”. What happens when we are not assertive? We say „yes” when we really want to say „no”. We put ourselves under pressure. We feel resentful. We do not do things we enjoy. The results? Relationships are affected negatively, we internalise the resentment and we suffer. We do this because we are afraid of being criticised, of losing affection and because we are not aware of our „equal rights” as an individual. We are afraid of not being liked or loved. The basic ingredients for assertiveness are therefore a feeling of entitlement to your emotions, opinions and actions. It is the freedom to express yourself without hurting anyone else. This all stems from self-esteem – the worth you place on yourself and your rights as well as a solid awareness of your own values. Of course, many of us can be assertive in certain situations and not others, with some people and not with others. Each person knows what situations/people trigger varying reactions within them. What situations do you find yourself in where you say „yes” – either in agreement to an opinion or to doing something you don’t want to do? How many do not speak up in meetings because they are scared of saying the „wrong thing? So, if you feel you are not assertive enough in certain situations, how can you react differently?
Don’t berate yourself for having been non-assertive. Non-assertive people tend to be kind, caring, generous, sensitive and self-critical. Don’t lose the positive qualities. Work on removing the self-criticism by:
- Working on building up your self-esteem your sense of self-worth. You are of equal value to others. You are „worth it” and your contribution is of value.
- Be clear about what you want. Become conscious of decisions you make. If you have difficulties with this, start small. Do you want tea or coffee? Do you want to see this film or another one? Avoid saying “I don’t know, you decide”. Practise decision-making and asserting your preferences. They are valid.
- Practise acknowledging your rights to have your views respected. Not necessarily agreed with, but at least heard and respected. If they are not agreed with, that does not negate you as an individual but it does allow another person the equal right to express their views assertively but never aggressively.
- Be clear about what you are prepared to do. Acknowledge that you have every right to say ”no”. Practise saying “no”. This word can fill us with guilt and some people are very skilled at manipulating us emotionally so that we avoid that two letter word.
- Know that you do not have to justify every opinion, action, decision.
- Believe that your time is as valuable as anyone else’s.
- Believe that you have the right to be non-assertive if you choose.
- Buy yourself time. You do not always have to make an instant decision straight away. You do not always have to know the answer to something.
- Become aware of what is important to you in your life (your values). If you live according to your values, it is easier to be assertive.
© Monika Key
This article first appeared in a Focal Vocal newsletter - http://www.focalvocal.co.uk/
